


Of Good Men, Great Men, Kings and the Lion Hearted

by sal_paradise



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Gen, M/M, Multi, and guilt, and some trauma, and violence blood etc, but poor darling is not doing well, ptsd mention, the obligatory Harry is alive! fic, there is fluff, tons of angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-18
Updated: 2015-04-14
Packaged: 2018-03-18 09:51:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3565277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sal_paradise/pseuds/sal_paradise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>for tumblr user archaeologydigit  asked for an obligatory, Harry is alive  fic!  the group is off to Kentucky to help bring Harry Home, but it is a long road to  recovery...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. surprises

Of good men, great men, kings and the lion hearted

Eggsy Unwin had grown up surrounded hearing about great men.

From coppers on the corner or soldiers on the news... they were men giving their lives for a cause, if anything happened to them they became great men.

 His father was a great man he was told.

 And he was gone too.

To be a great man.... it seemed like a death sentence...

 He began to dread it as he aged, despise the phrase.

Even his friends who had gotten into trouble and taken away, the stories were always the same;“They were good boys what happened?”

So it came as no surprise that after Eggsy’s rendezvous with the princess, and adrenaline of saving the world had faded off, reality smacked him in the face.

_Harry Hart was gone._

 He sat in an almost trance trying to absorb this fact, and like a final nail in the coffin Merlin had put a hand on his shoulder and said:

“He was a great man”

Eggsy retreated as if he had been hit. He didn’t want to hear that.

The return to England was a grim one, and the world seemed duller without Harry in it, a week had gone by and he couldn’t seem to bounce back.

 As he watched the street   from Harry’s house with his afternoon tea in his hand,   a sharp knock brought him back to reality.

He opened the door to find Roxy and Merlin on his doorstep.

“What brings you lot here I thought today was my day off” he said.

 Both Merlin and Roxy had odd expressions on their faces.

“It’s better if we come in Eggsy,” Merlin said stiffly.

Eggsy stepped aside and allowed them in.

 Eggsy was  many things but his mother had  taught him how to properly  receive  guests, he  put on a kettle for a  fresh  batch of  tea.

As they sat down on the couch Eggsy ventured “Now, what has you two looking like   such sad sacks?”

Merlin scowled and Roxy raised an eyebrow.

“Sorry.”

“Eggsy” Merlin said “the reason we’re here is because we want you to come to Kentucky with us,”

“For a mission?  You couldn’t have told me that over the phone?”

 Merlin shook his head “it’s more serious than that.”

“Well what is it then?”

“It’s about Harry, Eggsy.”

Eggsy stiffened.

“What about Harry?”

 Merlin cleared his throat “we recently were reached out to by a St. Anne’s hospital in Kentucky it appears that in the massacre at the church there was one impossible survivor.”

 Eggsy felt his heart beat swelling inside of him, the world seemed off kilter.

“I-it can’t be.”

 Roxy nodded with a small smile “Eggsy, Harry is alive.”

  The world went white for a few seconds, as Eggsy sat there processing this.  Merlin broke the silence as he took Eggsy’s hands in his calloused ones.

“H-how?” Eggsy managed.

 Roxy sighed “the doctor’s said it was a close call, it seems that Valentine is quite the lousy shot, not too lousy though.”

Eggsy stared.

She sighed “He still hit Harry, they still lost him a couple of times and he was on a ventilator for a couple days, and things looked shaky but they got him.”

“He’s not out the woods though Eggsy” she continued “He’s in bad state; they’ve had him in a medically induced coma the last couple of days.”

“How did you find him?”

“The suit” Merlin replied dryly over the brim of his tea cup.

“It seems a little of prodding about the clothes Harry was wearing led them to our doorstep.”

It was then that Eggsy noted that Merlin didn’t look well; he was pale, shaky and   stiff.

“What are we going do about Kingsman? If you haven’t seen we’re a few hands short these days.”

“Percival” Merlin and Roxy said in unison, they started at each other and she giggled.

“Percival will be holding down the metaphoric fort and Roxy will be reporting to him regularly.”

Eggsy nodded.

“I have one last question, how long have you known that Harry was...” his voice dropped off.

“A day or two” Merlin replied.

“Then why didn’t you tell me right away?”

Merlin sighed.

“When the hospital finally got a hold of us, Harry was still in some very dire straits, there was no guarantee he would pull through, Eggsy...”

 Merlin took hold of his hands again in his “You lost him once; we didn’t want to make you lose him again.”

Eggsy was silent, then after a moment he nodded.

“I’ll go pack my things.”


	2. From England to Kentucky

 

Merlin would have flown the plane himself overnight but the two young Kingsman chastised him till he gave in, Taking one of their private planes and crammed themselves in the back.

 The two youngsters had quickly fallen asleep leaving Merlin with his thoughts, he was restless, he had little to no sleep since Harry’s what would one call it?  Almost death?  His dreams were plagued with bloody images of Harry that had him gasping awake in a cold sweat.

Harry had already been in the hospital one week without them, as they set fresh on the start of the second week. He had not known anyone to care about him for a week.

_How could you have given up on him so fast?_

Merlin sighed, he knew as he stared out at London light’s  far below them that they had a long road ahead of them and  he had  to get some sleep. He needed to hold it together... For Harry.

One long plane trip and a massive bout of Jet-lag later, they arrived in America, in the mid- afternoon and they were quickly off to the hospital, their bags shipped to their motel.

 Soon, they were arriving at the hospital, little rumpled, bleary eyed and worse for wear but there.

 Roxy had the restrain the two of them from jumping the nurses with questions, as they both babbled madly about the found man with the gun shot head wound.

“And what is your association with the patient?’

 They had not spoken about this at all in advance so Merlin was   slightly   surprised when three voices  rang out in unison “family.”

 The nurse blinked.

 “I’ll  call  dr. Ashcroft” she  muttered.

  The trio waited  anxiously for the doctor when a severe  older  man approached he  looked like a  mad surgeon from the old black and white horror movies, silver hair slicked back,  face taunt and stern as if it had been  years  since he smiled.  He was enormously tall and   as he approached and towered over Merlin making them feel  like they were bug specimens  being examined as he looked  at  them from the end of his beak like  nose.

 Merlin stood at attention.

“Are you here for the John Doe  they brought in last week?”

“Yes, his  name is Harry Hart – “Merlin  began  but Ashcroft seemed uninterested   as he looked over the sheet the nurse had given them with their information.

“Diana tells me you are all marked as Mr. Hart’s  family,” he seemed skeptical  which  gave Merlin a bad taste in his mouth.

He scanned the sheet “Mr.  Merlin is it?” he seemed to sneer the word in disgust.

 Merlin glanced at Eggsy and Roxy to see  Eggsy  biting his lip in  annoyance, and Roxy staring in discontent. So it wasn’t just his imagination.

“Yes, that’s me”

“  He glanced at their information  and raised his eyebrows “Diana said you err- worked  for the British Government.”

“That’s correct.”

“Those kids too or are they like his or something?”

  Merlin felt his hands tighten into fists,  he didn’t like  how this Ashcroft  operated.

“We’re not here to discuss personal matters of what connects us to Mr. Hart  were here to see how he is.” Merlin said through barred  teeth.

“Well you’re lucky he’s alive not many people can say they’ve   survived what he has. There are some superficial wounds, cracked ribs and fractured knuckles and a nasty what would appear to be a knife wound to the back.   Would you to clarify what  Mr.Hart was doing here?”

“That’s classified” Merlin replied cooly.

The two were sizing each other up,  and at last  Ashcroft  bent.

“Hmm well, as for his head injury...” he bit his lip  “It is hard to say the full extent of damage until he awakes, he’s been under for a week or so,  so  we should arrange to wake him up.Follow me, I’ll show you to him.”

 The trio trailed behind him   but not before Merlin heard   Eggsy mutter “Wanker” quietly under his breath.

He chuckled.

 Dr. Ashcroft at last came to a halt in front of room 345.

“This is Mr. Hart’s room,  because he has a private room you are  free  to come and go as you please, however  , despite how you may be above the law, you are not  above  hospital law, so visiting hours  are over at 9pm. If you have any questions Diana is Mr. Hart’s personal nurse so she will assist you.”

“Thank you/”

 Ashcroft nodded stiffly and turned to leave, as Eggsy whispered into Roxy’s ear.

“No Eggsy you cannot break the doctor’s fingers, even if he is a-“ she began.

“wanker” Merlin and Eggsy  said in unison.

“Yes.”

 As the group entered the room, they found the nurse Diana there tending to a figure in the bed.

If anyone had asked Merlin to identify Harry Hart based on the man in front of him he wouldn’t have been able to.

The man in the bed  was  hooked  up to so many machines,   that wires  dangled  from him  like extra spider like limbs, Iv’s  and  contraptions  for breathing and numerous ones Merlin  couldn’t  name.

 Harry was pale, looking almost translucent against his starched bed sheets, and the bandage that now covered half his face. Merlin had to concentrate hard to see the rise and fall of Harry’s chest.

 Half his hair was also  now gone, whatever procedure they had done to help the  brain it had left Harry looking small and  fragile.

Like he was disappearing.

Whatever Merlin was expecting this was worse.

 “Harry” Merlin managed as he stumbled into the room.

Diana looked up“Ah,  yes  Mr. Hart’s  family, welcome please  have a seat” she pointed to some  chairs, which Merlin all but fell into.

Roxy and Eggsy stood nervously at the end of Harry’s bed.

“Harry?” Eggsy muttered numbly, taking a step towards him and retreating.

  Merlin all but clawed to get his hand hooked into Harry’s his composure crumbling.

“H-how is he?”  He managed.

“Mr. Hart is alive, and that’s what counts” she said firmly "he’s a fighter, stronger than many of our patients.”

Merlin couldn’t pry his eyes away from Harry’s bruised knuckles and Diana’s words fell on partially deaf ears.

All he could hear in his mind was “ _this  shouldn’t have happened  harry shouldn’t be here, he should  be safe he-_

He was interrupted as Eggsy came to his side and placed a gentle hand on  top of his  and Harry’s.

“We’re here now Harry, sorry for being late.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact a DR. Ashcroft exists in every story i write that has a hospital scene, do all these characters exist in the same universe? who knows?


	3. Of  poker, past memories and phantoms

 

Diana  had taken pity on them, after telling them about  Dr. Ashcroft’s bluntness and apologizing  for it, she had allowed them to stay the night in the uncomfortable  room, as they had not gotten a lot of time  with Harry and they would  be taken to the their hotel that night.By   the afternoon of their second day there Merlin had anxiously been pacing like an upset cat by the window back and forth back and forth for hours. Percival had sent along flowers and warmest regards after Roxy had filled him in on the night’s events.

But the room still felt too small, panic and despair was thick in the air and Every time someone walked in they tensed.

At last Roxy managed to get Merlin to take a walk. “Stretch your legs and your mind you’re driving us batty.”

  Before her superior officer could react, she had removed him from the room.

Merlin walked, he got a coffee, he stared at flowers in the gift shop and tried to pick out ones he though Harry would like for when he woke up.

_If he woke up._

A small voice spoke in his head.

No, he needed to keep it together, he couldn’t start to doubt now.

Harry had been given back to him, something that shouldn’t have been true.

  _You can’t give up on him now, after everything._

As  he slowly made his  way  back to  the room, he was surprised  with the  sight that  greeted him; There was Roxy and  Eggsy, laughing and smiling  as they played poker  over Harry’s prone  form, the  cards  splayed out  across  his legs  and the bed and someone  had cheekily   slipped some cards into Harry’s  lax  hand.

As Merlin re-entered the room,  Roxy was  quick to notice the fire  in  his eyes,  he was furious,  as his  gaze  darted  back and forth  between the two to see who’s genius idea  this was. His eyes landed on Eggsy, he was ready to reprimand the young man but Roxy was faster.

“Merlin you’re back” she called out.

“May I have a quick word?” she motioned outside, and she saw the fire dim slightly.

“But of course” he opened the door motioning her to follow.

“I’ll be right back Eggsy, don’t you dare swap cards with Harry.”

 She glanced back to see the other Kingsman prodding at Harry’s hand.

“Spoilsport” he muttered retreating.

As the two stepped into the hallway, Merlin spun on her “What was that?   Whose bloody idea was that? I swear that boy sometimes-“

“It wasn’t his idea” Roxy interrupted “It was mine.”

Merlin blinked “I beg your pardon Lancelot?” he whispered there was a dangerous tinge to his words but still Roxy pressed.

“Look, we’re going to be here for a few days, till we can transfer Harry correct?

“Yes.”

“Merlin, were going to drive each other mad were already stepping on each other’s toes,  and it’s been one day, between Eggsy, you me and  Harry.. “

Merlin winced.

“Look, I did  what I did in there because  Eggsy is worried about Harry and when he’s upset he loses control, this keeps him distracted and  I may not know you sir as long as the other Kingsman but I know people enough to know when a man is worried sick.”

Merlin flinched remaining silent.

“Sir,” she reached out a hand and hoping she wasn’t overstepping her boundaries and laid it gently on his shoulder.

“Anyone with eyes can see that Harry Hart means more to you then a regular Kingsman.”

 Merlin who had been silent at last spoke.

“I’ve known Harry Hart for 23 years, that’s... That's more than half my life” he paused “we were just lads when we joined and there of course were brushes with danger over the  years,”   he gave a weak smile” We couldn’t be good spies without them.”

 Roxy smiled slightly.

“But we always bounced back, regardless, now...” he looked at the floor “If I ever lose Harry I wouldn’t know what to do I’d be...” he trailed off.

“Lost?”  Roxy ventured quietly.

 He matched her gaze   finally, eyes tired, and aching as he muttered “yes... Lost.”

But Roxy could see so much more then that he was telling her, _he’s all I have_ he was telling her. _I am lost without him because he’s my history._

 It was no secret that Kingsman ideally had little to no ties; they had to if they were to remain good at what they did. But for some, they had nothing to leave behind to begin with, and they made their family in the Kingsman.

With  Merlin she  could  see that Harry was that,  Harry was  his past, his present,  his  future,  Harry was  home.

 And he was on the verge of losing it all, it hung on a fragile balance that was precociously leaning the wrong way.

 She gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze. “It’ll get better you’ll see.”

 Merlin gave her a simple nod.

 As they re-entered the room, it was no secret that Eggsy had been straining his ears to hear anything, but as he locked eyes with Roxy, he broke into a sunny smile.

“Wouldn’t you bloody know it “he muttered waving his cards in her direction “Even unconscious Harry can still kick my arse at cards.”

Xxxx

 The Kingsman had set up base in a motel not too far from the hospital, it was handy should anything happen.

 It was unfortunately,  ahem ,  less  then desirable  by most  people’s  standards.Merlin  expected  some  form of  complaint  or side comment but to his  surprise, the  two  young Kingsman   without comment took  one  bed, only squabbling over who got  what side,  and who got the cooler  pillow  leaving  Merlin  to his own leisure.

 They continued to be full of surprises.

 As they hunkered down for the night, Eggsy discovered room service, and they   spent the night watching what Americans considered entertainment.

“This is  god  awful” Roxy murmured  as they flipped through  their  third model show,  to other shows about  cooking, and  stupid wealthy  people.

“Honestly  though”  Eggsy  muttered  sprawled  out on his  and  Roxy’s  shared  bed “ if the  Kingsman  ever need to  torture anyone with something  this would be it.”

 Merlin and Roxy rolled their eyes in unison.

 As the night wore on, the trio drifted off to sleep lit only by the screen of the glowing TV set. As Merlin prepared himself for bed he glanced over and couldn’t help but smile. The two had fallen asleep   and had shifted so that Eggsy had his head on Roxy’s shoulder, and she had her legs tangled in his.

Any other day Merlin would have taken a picture to have as black mail material, but his heart wasn’t in it tonight.

As they slumbered on, Merlin   rolled over and tried to go to bed as well, even though he would have given anything to have Harry sleeping beside him.

 

He had dreams, of Harry mostly.  Of holding his  body as he bled out on the  pavement,  it was awful,   and the blood  would not come  off. Tonight was the same,  he sat there  drenched in blood,  holding  Harry’s lifeless  body, when it  proceeded to sit up.

Merlin recoiled, as the figure stared at him with dead eyes,  just sat there  blood  still running down his face  from the gunshot wound,  he suddenly turned to Merlin  a inhuman  grin  crossing his  face. It cocked its head from side to side its smile was too wide, Straining his features, too many teeth, too sharp, too happy...

“Markus you came.”

Merlin started horrified at the creature.

“What’s the matter?” it pouted sticking out its lower lip.

“I thought you’d be overjoyed to see me” its blood slicked hands came to rest on Merlin’s face.

“I-I...”

“Darling what’s the matter cat got your tongue feeling guilty about something?"

But before Merlin could reply the creature cocked its head “Hold that thought Markus you better get that,” he purred “It’s for you."

Merlin blinked as the dream was suddenly interrupted by a shrill ringing sound.

He gasped, sitting up in bed only to find the phone was ringing in the room, he gaped and reached around blindly as Eggsy covered his head with a pillow and Roxy buried under the covers and snuggled closer to Eggsy.

“Hello?” Merlin said groggily

“Hello? Is this Mr. Mar-“

“Merlin, yes”

The operator seemed taken off guard, “yes Mr. Merlin, this Saint Anne’s hospital we were given specific instructions to call you if there were any changes.”

Merlin was silent.

“Mr. Hart is coming to, we’re ready to receive you just let security know when you’re here.”

Merlin swallowed. _Harry. Harry was back._

“Mr. Merlin is you still there?”

“I- I yes we’ll be over as soon as we can thank you."

 He slammed down the phone harder then intended only to find Eggsy’s and Roxy’s gaze stuck on him.

“Harry’s awake.”

They both smiled, relieved “that’s great Merlin” Roxy said relieved.

“Bloody hell from the look on your mug, I thought something awful happened.”

Merlin shook his head “no I am sorry to worry you both, let’s get ready.”

 They proceeded to get dressed, but Eggsy couldn’t help but notice the uneasy look on Merlin’s face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't think about creepy demon harry... just dont  
> i also have named Merlin- Markus woo for non cannon names


	4. Awakenings and Breakfest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's alive! alivvve!

 

 As Merlin waved his pass, the nurse Dianna, he had spoke to on the phone greeted them as Roxy and Eggsy trailed behind bleary eyed.

 Merlin’s stomach was tied in knots as they came back to Harry’s room and were ushered inside. Harry still lay there, looking pale and broken, machines beeping.

“Is he?”

“He hasn’t become conscious but his vitals changed to shows he’s slowly coming out of the medical coma. We didn’t want to call you too early but Dr.Ashcroft gave us the okay after you left yesterday evening.”

Merlin nodded taking Harry’s hand and giving it a gentle squeeze and  he was surprised when the lightest of squeezes was returned.

“Harry?  Harry it’s me, wake up” Merlin pried gently.

 Slowly, Harry’s uncovered eye began to groggily, open and Merlin had never felt so relieved to make contact with that chocolate brown colour again.

 As his gaze swivelled around the room, Merlin growing ease was suddenly forgotten as the hand in his tightened into a painful death grip.

“Harry?”

 The machines all around them started to   beep and shrill, and Diana all but shoved Merlin out of the way

“He’s going into shock, he doesn’t know where he is, and we’ll have to sedate him again.”

“No please!” Merlin begged.

_I can’t lose him not for a minute, I just got him back._

_“_ I can get him to calm down, please.”

 Diana saw the panic in his eyes, and giving a small nod, allowed Merlin to approach.

 Merlin grabbed Harry’s hand firmly “Harry look at me” he commanded as Harry’s gaze wavered frantically around the room, pupils blown so large he could hardly see the brown that rimmed them, panic stricken.

 “Your name is Harry Hart” he began “You’re in Kentucky and you’re a Kingsman:”

 He gripped Harry’s hand harder.

“You are safe Harry.”

“Nothing is going to happen to you eyes on me”

 Merlin gently took his head in his hand, to focus his gaze.

“Listen to my voice you know me I am your friend.”

“You are safe.”

“You are home.”

“You’re friends are here, Roxanne, and Eggsy are here.”

  “No harm will come to you I swear it.”

 The machines had slowly ceased their shrill beeping as Merlin repeated his mantra over and over again.

“Listen to my voice you know me I am-,” he repeated again

Harry broke his silence  then  as he slurred out “Ma-ma-marr-kkuuss” with what seemed like all the strength he had, chest heaving,  body  shaking  as he put  all his worth into that one word.

Merlin paused, taken aback, he looked up at Eggsy and Roxy who were as equally surprised.

“Yes” Merlin said his voice breaking

“It’s me, it’s Markus."

 That seemed to be all Harry needed to hear, as all the tension slipped from his body, as he sagged boneless back into bed.

 All eyes were   on Merlin, who made an effort to brush the brimming tears away from his eyes, the others however quickly averted their gaze  and gave him the space and illusion of secrecy as they looked away.

_Xxx_

 The days that followed  was  slow, Merlin hardly left Harry’s side as he drifted in out of  consciousness, it  was long  days  of sitting by Harry’s side,  with stiff  necks  and backs . Merlin  had  struck up a  good relationship with the  nurses   who  reassured  him that for someone  who  had  even awoken from his  circumstance he was doing well.  Soon enough he would be able  to eat  foods  again  and it was only up from there, Still  Merlin couldn’t   help the pity that tugged at his  heart, as he looked at Harry, frail strapped up to  multiple  machines.  It didn’t look   like Harry, even at his weakest- but he couldn’t think this way, and distracted himself as he helped as much as he could and tried to keep his emotions in check from the younger Kingsman.

Diana had said he looked like a man at a funeral, but he couldn’t help it.

 

 The young Kingsman had  excused  themselves, as they  had spent another  early morning at the hospital, they had taken to having  breakfast at the hospital  cafeteria  of runny eggs  and  brittle toast.

 Eggsy poured ketchup on everything much to Roxy’s disgust.

“I am worried about Merlin” she ventured.

Eggsy paused with a mouthful of bacon “wot?’

She rolled her eyes.

“He isn’t acting like himself, like I thought he would be happy to have Harry back.”

“Rox please.”

She paused.

“You can’t dictate how he’ll feel! The man almost lost his best mate!”

“Exactly!" And he looks just as miserable!”

Eggsy seemed lost in thought, chewing slowly.

“Maybe” Roxy ventured “maybe he feels guilty.”

“Come off it Roxy” Eggsy scoffed.

“No here me out” she began “he feels like he led Harry to danger, didn’t stop him, didn’t sense anything wrong, he feels  he had a hand in Harry’s state."

“But he didn’t shoot him; this was all Valentine and Arthur."

“Tell that to Merlin."

 Eggsy sighed “well what do we do?”

“I don’t think there’s anything we can do, except wait and hope Harry can make him feel better."

 Eggsy took a sip of tea and winced.

“Ugh tell you what Rox, the tea here isn’t probably doing anyone any bloody favours for feeling better. "

Xxx

 It wouldn’t be the first time Merlin had sat at Harry’s bedside, and fed him, likewise Harry had done the same for him but not as often.

“Do you wanna do the honours today Mr. Merlin? “Diana asked handing him a bowl as she sat Harry’s tray food at the foot of the bed.

 Merlin nodded and looked at the unappetizing broth with the odd floating piece of carrot that classified it as food.

Merlin had hardly dislodged his hand from Harry’s in the last couple of days and he was beginning to feel like death.

Diana was quick to comment “Merlin when was the last time you left his side?”

“I am fine Diana.”

“Mm hmm you look like death Mr Merlin.”

“Thanks Diana.”

“You been practicing your make-up? Those rings you’re sporting under your eyes look like you have.”

“Thanks again Diana”

 She clicked her tongue and pressed the button that had Harry sit up. As he slowly rose his eye focused directly on Merlin.

 Merlin mustered a weak smile “morning sleepy head.”

“Mar-rkus-s” he stammered.

Doctor Ashcroft had said the stammering would continue for a while, until they got a better bearing of himself. There was also be gaps in his memory, and his vocabulary- though Merlin hadn’t seen that much as Harry’s vocabulary was limited- there was also the high chance of some    superficial element of migraines, and vertigo but it was too early to tell.

Every time Dr.Ashcroft told him that there were consequences for Harry’s state Merlin felt physically ill.

“Yes it’s me” he ran reassuring hand over Harry’s bruised knuckles

 Harry smiled as much as he could.

“How you feeling today?’

“H-hurts”He tried to raise his hand to his head but stopped half way tired.

“Oh, I know my friend” Merlin gave his hand a squeeze “how about we get you some food hmm?

“With Diana’s help he   brought the spoon of broth to Harry’s mouth and watched as the man swallowed  with some effort and he grimaced.

 Merlin laughed, if anything they knew Harry’s taste buds were intact. Small wonders he supposed.

 The pair sat there silently enjoying each other’s company as Merlin helped feed Harry, and Harry concentrated hard on the process. Eventually his head dropped back.

“That it Harry?”

Harry nodded. He sat there regaining his strength.

 “Maarku-s?”

 “Hmm?”

“What hap-pened my –my eye” he managed, and slowly raised a hand to his head, to indicate.

“Can’t sss-ee”

 Merlin felt the knots retie in his stomach.

“You were in an accident” Merlin murmured quietly, stroking a hand through his hair.“We’ll talk about it when you’re better okay?”

 Harry nodded weakly as   Merlin leaned forward    to touch his forehead against Harry’s

“Just rest and feel better.”

 Harry sighed "I'll try."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ashcroft is a jerk. I like writing him


	5. Lee Unwin?

It was not long after that Eggsy and Roxy came back.

“Come on old man Diana told us about those raccoon eyes you got brewing, go back to the hotel and  rest we’ll handle it from here” Eggsy said.

Merlin felt torn.

 He didn’t want to be away from Harry if he could help it, but he didn’t get much of choice.

 Roxy was taking him by the hand and shooing him out the door and Eggsy was making himself comfortable.

Feet up.

“Call me if anything changes I’ll be back in the evening."

 Roxy nodded before promptly shutting the door in his face.

“You’re getting soft in your old age Merlin you would not have let anyone close a door in your face  5 years ago.” He sighed and  murmured about a lack of manners as he made his way down the hall.

Roxy and Eggsy meanwhile were watching more awful television as they kept Harry company.

 Eggsy had taken Merlin’s spot without question and Roxy watched as he tried to get comfortable in the stiff chairs, legs sprawled over the side and taking Harry’s hand in his own.

 Harry slumbered  on and Eggsy smiled  sadly taking in his poor  appearance, half his usually finally groomed hair had been  shaved off in the operation  so Harry looked ridiculous, now  the beginnings of  a black fuzz was there; his lower jaw  had salt and pepper stubble all over that any  gentleman would disapprove of,  and Harry still looked gaunt, pale, liked  he had been locked in a small  dark  room  for months.

“you’re starting to make a habit of this Harry”  Eggsy ventured “ next time you wanna  start a new habit, take up stamp collecting, or err- more  freaky stuffed  dogs hell even smoking is better than this yeah?’

 He gripped Harry’s hand harder.

  Roxy smiled sadly, Eggsy  was keeping it  together  better then Merlin, but she could still see the ache  and gaping hole Harry had left in him, Eggsy had gained , lost  and regained  someone who had  quickly become the  father  figure he had always lacked.

No one liked seeing the person they had come to see as indestructible broken down to... well this...

 Roxy  tried to keep them entertained  as she aimlessly flipped through the TV channels till at last an advertisement, came up saying what was playing next.

“Well I’ll be damned” Eggsy said a sly grin crossing his lips “even in the hospital he’s lucky.”

Roxy glanced at the screen and saw the next film was Nikita.

“It looks like I am going to be able to change my answer for next time Harry asks.”

Xxx

As the evening wore on, the two young Kingsman had made Harry’s room as comfortable as possible and had a settled in to watch the film. It was no my fair lady, but Eggsy enjoyed it enough and could see why Harry did too.

 As Roxy went to find them something   better then hospital food for dinner, Eggsy remained, Harry had slept the afternoon away, stirring only once or twice.

 As Eggsy became engrossed in a show called “pick a puppy”, Harry’s grip in his own tightened as the warm brown eye met Eggsy's.

“Harry?” How are you feeling?”

But Harry seemed to have the 1000 mile stare, as he looked at Eggsy, but wasn’t actually seeing him.

“Lee, I-is that y-you?” he managed.

Eggsy stiffened.

“Lee?”

 Eggsy swallowed trying to find his words _He thinks I am  my father._

“Yea- yes, yes it’s me Harry. It’s... Lee” Eggsy stammered.

Harry seemed relieved “L-ee   an-another ff-ine mess I’ve gotten myself-lf into” the sentence seemed to drain Harry and Eggsy felt pity tug at his heart.

“You sure have.”

“Th-hanks for sss-taying with me.”

“Nonsense, it’s the least I could do.”

“d-don’t wanna ke-ep you ffr-om family.”

 Eggsy felt his walls starting to crumble.

“Mich-helle ww-would have mm-y h-hide” he tried to laugh but it quickly turned to a harsh cough that racked his fragile frame.

 Eggsy grimaced “take it easy Harry.”

 He brought his cup of water to him and helped Harry drink to which he let out a grateful grunt.

“got-t to take care of tha-t bb-oy too. “ Harry seemed to be reaching for a name.

“Gary?”

Harry nodded “G-gary, I like-d the pic-ture you ss-howed me.”

Eggsy nodded weakly, trying not   giving away Harry’s illusion.

“He-s goo-d bb-oy take care of- of him.”

“I’ll look after him with all my heart" he managed _and you will too_.

Harry seemed satisfied “M-Markus cc-ame tt-oo.”

Harry’s stammering was becoming more prominent as he became more tired.

“I know, he’s taking good care of you”

“c-can you t-tell-all him tha-thanks? He- he means allot tot me.”

“Of course I will.”

  Eggsy took both his hands and pressed a gentle kiss to them.“He’s looking out for you, we both are, and we’re always with you Harry.”

 “T-thank you L-Lee f-for everything.”

Eggsy sat with him till the grip in his went lax as Harry slipped back into a light sleep and leaving Eggsy with a heavy heart and wiping stray tears from his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> poor eggsy


	6. The "eyes"  have it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry's bandages come off and it doesn't exactly goes as planned

Awkward didn’t begin to express the days that followed.

 It was  no secret-things had changed between two amongst their ranks- this was not helped by the fact that time crawled sluggishly by.

The Kingsman trio had spent a little over a week in and out of hospital and it was starting to make them weary. Harry seemed to improve little by little, spending more time awake and less in a medically drugged haze.

 But there was evident tension between teacher and student those days, - Eggsy had told Merlin about Harry’s mix up with his father and now seemed antsy around the older Kingsman. He no longer wanted to be left alone with him and more  often than  not Merlin now  found Roxy keeping  Harry company; often as he  sat attentively as she read to  him from one of his favourite  novels “Paradise Lost” occasionally he would pipe up about  something he remembered, sometimes  Merlin would come in  to find Harry  fast asleep while Roxy was  reading to him, hand  firmly  laced in hers.

His  appetite  improved as well,  moved  up from  broth  to  soups  with meats  and  vegetables,  and  soft foods,  usually with something neon coloured  and  gelatinous for  dessert.

Merlin would patiently help him, despite how he could feel Harry’s growing frustration at not being able to do things himself. He tried not to crush Harry’s ego completely and let him at least try to eat some of the jell-o himself before he tired himself out.

 On the day of  the removal of Harry’s bandages  Merlin was  there  bright  and  early, Harry  was still sound asleep  though it  was  evident his  sleep was  becoming less restful  as time wore on, his  brow furrowed slightly in concentration but soon  enough he roused  himself. To find Merlin waiting for him.

 

“Morning Rip Van Winkle”

Merlin wouldn’t  be surprised if Harry couldn’t remember the old  nick  name as  gaps in memory were expected, but he  felt his  heart lighten when Harry  frowned.

Harry Hart could take down assassins with one hand tied behind his back, could disarm bombs and dress with the best, but one thing he couldn’t do was be a light sleeper.

Yes, Harry Hart slept like the dead, at least he used to. So much so, that in a mission in Budapest he had slept through several small explosions. Once he was asleep, he was asleep and as a result the former Lancelot had named him after the man who slept for twenty years

“Welcome back to the land of the living it’s been 20 years.” Merlin said with a smirk.

Harry scowled.

“Really Mar-rkus you still haven’t o-outgrown that joke?”

“Sorry Harry” Merlin gently pat his shoulder as Dr. Ashcroft came in.

Merlin couldn’t help the stiffness that suddenly entered his form, if Eggsy thought Ashcroft was an immense wanker, Merlin disliked him more. He always believed that anyone who could cut into human flesh as profession had terrible bed side manner and Ashcroft was proof, his stares were cold and calculating and he seemed to have no pity for the healing. Roxy was likewise serious around him and Harry was just plain terrified of him, which made Merlin angrier. He treated Harry like a lab experiment – poking and prodding and Harry would visibly shrink back when the doctor came near him.

“And how is Mr. Hart doing Diana?”

Diana who had been at Harry’s other side smiled gently “fine doctor, Harry is making a great recovery speed.”

“Good to hear, now Mr. Hart are you exited to get those bandages off?”

Harry nodded, his hands digging visibly into the sheets and then, finding Merlin’s he dug in hard enough to draw blood.

“Now Mr. Hart before we begin we must discuss the situation.”

Harry and Merlin exchanged a glance “The situation?”  They said in unison.

“Let’s be blunt Mr. Hart” Ashcroft said stiffly “You took a bullet to the head and for all intensive purposes you should be dead.”

Harry withdrew into himself as though struck at these words.

“The bullet by some miracle went by the orbit of your eye, but never entered you skull and caused minimal damage by comparison.  We took care of any swelling and there was a little to no cranial bleeding, though the initial impact spray probably gave the illusion you were very much dead.

Harry nodded  his gaze now fixed in his lap.

“However it is not to say you are getting off Scott free, your brain is  badly bruised and like I discussed with Mr. Merlin there will be lapses in memory, migraines and bouts of vertigo which are not uncommon. Though I see your speech is getting better.”

Harry tried to show him it had  improved, despite himself it came out “t-thank you.”

 “And now your vision” he sighed, rubbing his jaw in thought.

“There’s no easy way to say this but you will never have perfect vision in that eye again. We did what we could, but there was simply too much nerve damage. At best, you may regain partial vision. I am sorry."

Harry sat dumbstruck, panic building, his heart hammering as he looked to Merlin almost pleading for him to fix this.

“b-but I nn-eed it to do-o  my job-b!”  Harry managed.

“Mr. Hart whatever you did before this that  required your excellent use of eye sight I would consider those  days behind you.”

 Harry’s world seemed to be clasping around him.

 He felt like someone had a vice grip around his  heart.

He couldn’t  breath.

Being a Kingsman was all he had ever known.

He was lost, he was losing everything.

He couldn’t meet Ashcroft’s gaze it was too much of  a cruel  reminder he was now a broken  figure, damaged goods.

  The  hand in his tightened.

 _No that’s wrong_ a voice  said in his head.

_You’re not lost._

_You have Merlin._

_You  have Eggsy._

_You have Roxy._

_You are  not lost._

“Diana if you could” Diana nodded as she came to Harry’s side.

“Come on sweetie let me get those bandages off; you have to show Mr. Merlin how much you've healed.”

 _How much you've changed_ An evil voice sniped in Harry’s head.

While Diana had been changing his bandages regularly, none of them had seen his healing progress  as  Harry had told her specifically to do it while no one was around.

 As she gradually unwrapped the bandages and more Harry’s face became  visible,   Diana prepared a bowl of warm water, ready to  remove the adhesive  that was holding his eyelids closed, while Harry  was trying to concentrate on  breathing, eye closed  as Diana was down to her last coil, Merlin found himself staring intensely at  Harry, as the bandages  fell away.

Diana began to gently wash the glue they had used to seal his eye lid shut off  as she continued to giving him  reassurance, as at last she was gently patting his eye dry.

“Take it easy Harry” she whispered “nice and easy” slowly, almost  reluctantly Harry began to open  both his eyes, his  good  eye opened  right away, his other  was  sluggish as  he opened it.   He blinked several times   trying to clear the  haze out of his  vision, everything was  blurry  and out of focus  despite how he blinked, but then he realized ...

 That’s how  the world would   look now

 He turned to Markus who was still tightly holding his  hand and  saw him truly for the first time in weeks.

 He saw his small reassuring smile trying to coach him on, but also saw the pain, in his gaze, there was also something that Harry couldn't pinpoint -but Merlin looked like he was keeping it together  for Harry’s sake.

To Merlin, he could see the angry  red scar that the bullet had left, grazing upward from the orbit of his eye, up to his hair line before disappearing, it gave Harry a almost sinister look, a man that chewed bullets, killed for sport, like a type of man that  worked in a seedy underbelly of a city; despite the  doctor's best efforts it made  Harry look cruel. The eye itself was now  slightly distracting as well, as instead of the chocolate brown Merlin was used to he was met with a cloudy grey colour.  It was as if his eye had been clawed and the colour drained from it.

 “Hi Harry” Merlin ventured   gently  bringing his hand up to his lips and like Lee had done the other night and kissed it.

“Glad to have you back.”

But Harry didn’t feel back, he didn’t feel right.

 As Diana and Ashcroft chatted about Harry as if he was a child, and Merlin was his father; Diana tried to help him eat something, but his vision  wasn’t matching up, he kept missing the spoon Diana was holding for him, and he couldn’t help the noise of despair that it tore from his throat.

 Ashcroft finished and he Diana bustled out  telling Harry to keep resting leaving Merlin  and  Harry alone.

The silence in their  wake was deafening.

“I wan-t to see it”  Harry said quietly breaking the silence.

“Harry no.”

“Damn it  M-Markus!” he snarled and Merlin blinked taken  aback, he hadn’t seen him angry like this in a long time.

“It’s my f-fucking face I-I deserve to know what sort of m-monster I am now!” he tried desperately to  sit up  to take a stand, but his arms shook and  he slumped  back weakly.

 Merlin was quiet averting his  gaze “ why do you say you’re a monster?”

“E-everyone is treating me like one, I am in this rr-oom day in and d-day out and everyone is too afff-raid to get  close to me, like I’ll  break;” Merlin  opened his mouth to protest and stopped  “the nn-urses except Diana  acc-t   as if I  have the pp-plague, even  even Eggsy doesn’t want to be near-r me and I d-don’t k-now why.”

It was  then that  Merlin realized that  Harry’s  turmoil  ran deeper then he thought, He was  frustrated and confused that no one was telling him the  truth.

 Merlin let out an exasperated sigh “Harry,  no one  wants  to  hide the  truth from  you, it’s just for the best right  now, and you have to believe that. Please trust me.”

He seemed to ponder it before giving a small shake of his head, reluctant.

"Iam  sorry Harry  for everything,  I was  trying to protect  you, I... please  forgive me"

Harry squeezed his hand lightly  as they slumped  back into silence.

“ You’re  right thought,  we can’t hide everything from you,  and you of all people deserve to know what you look like” Merlin handed him a small pocket mirror.

With trembling hands Harry  raised to mirror to study his  new figure... that man in the mirror  wasn’t him.. It couldn’t  be...

 From the  gaunt figure to the missing hair, and most  awful of all,  the  scar  that  marred his face, and those eyes... those eyes that no longer looked like his, they were cold, inhuman.Not Harry Hart.

 He  threw  the mirror  as hard  as he could, recoiling in disgust  and much to Merlin’s surprise  it hit the opposite wall  where it cracked and shattered. Kingsman were no  stranger to battle wounds,  the problem was  that  this  man was not Harry Hart, it was like someone else had taken his place.

“M-Markus what h-happened to me?” Harry at last  ventured breaking the quiet.

He reached out weakly for Merlin  and Merlin gave him his uninjured hand as the other was held so tightly  there were now small crescent shaped bruises forming on his hand.

Merlin sighed shaking his head, averting Harry’s gaze.

“Markus please, I am s-so lost” Harry  almost pleaded.

“Its likes there’s a hu-ge hole in my mem-mmory and I keep  reaching for an-swers and there’s nothing there. I remember you,  and Roxy and Eggsy  and Lee was here.”

Merlin cringed.

Harry  felt  pity tug his heart so savagely  then  as he looked at the misery on Merlin’s face.

“ That-t wasn’t Lee was it?”

Merlin shook his head.

“Lee has been dead  for years Harry” Merlin whispered.“ That was Eggsy with you, he’s been looking after you.”

 Harry looked shaken . _Was that  why the boy  was reluctant to be with him?_

“H-how could I have forgotten that?”

“Harry Dr. Ashcroft said it would be like this there  will be things you can’t remember.”

“F-Fuck Dr. Ashcroft!” Harry spat in desperation " I need to know what else I can-nt remember! Or I’ll- I’ll-“ he dropped off panting and fighting   tears of  desperation. “I can’t remember the blood-dy w-word, I can’t s-speak I-c-can’t remember parts of w-who  I-I am  broken.”

 He fell back against his pillow, breathing hard, tears streaming down his  face.“I-I am  not Harry Hart” he managed. “T-his man isn’t-t H-Harry Hart.”

 And  something snapped in Merlin at those words.

“Yes you  fucking are” he spat.

“ You’re Harry  Hart  who named  his damn dog Mr. Pickle  the most ridiculous name for an  animal I’ve ever  heard.

“You’re Harry Hart who carried me on his fucking shoulder when I got  bloody shot when we went on our  first mission together.”

“You’re Harry Hart who  didn’t let the bollocks that was Arthur’s high brow class system  fucking stop you  from  seeing the  potential  in that boy  and  giving him a better life.”

“You’re Harry Hart and no matter  what happened or what  you look like I love you.”

 And with that he lent forward and did what he had been wanting to do  since they came to the hospital as he  pressed his lips  gently against Harry’s,  they   were as warm and  soft  as  he remembered  they felt. At first there was nothing, then  Harry pressed back, longingly, he moaned low  in the back of his throat his  trembling hands found the back of Merlin’s neck as he pulled him closer, breathing  him in, Merlin smelt of cinnamon of  wood smoke, of sweat and metal... he smelt of home. Harry chased Merlin’s  lips  nipping  at them lightly as the other  man at last pulled away much to both  their disappointments.

 As they pulled apart, Harry stared at him with mismatched eyes.

“That” he  began “ tha-t is something that even  in a m-million  years  l  could never forget.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for turning into a angsty puddle  
> but look at these dorks kissing, all is right in the world.


	7. Of short comings  and creme brule

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay. have a short chapter.

 

Eggsy and Roxy came in that  evening to see  them, while  Merlin had spent the rest of the afternoon, watching TV with Harry  and when harry had drifted off to sleep he had taken out his tablet and  started planning away for  a project he was  working on to help Harry. When the two young Kingsman arrived and saw Harry for the first time with his bandages off, Eggsy couldn’t help making the joke about Harry being 3/4th’s of the way to being a Bond villain-all he needed was the fluffy cat.

To which Roxy gave him a savage smack in the back of the head.

 And Merlin jabbed him hard enough to crack ribs.

 Harry knew that the boy compensated for how he felt with humour but it still hurt. He didn’t want to be different but things were.

He was different.

 Eggsy was different, he was smiling and joking but refused to be alone with Harry and the man needed desperately to speak with him. Merlin despite his relief of having Harry back Harry could tell something was not right... his eyes held a tremendous sadness.

Roxy to Harry's perception, was the one holding them together, not for the first time he made a mental note to praise Percival for picking such an excellent Kingsman.

  Over the next few days, she was there with him as she had been the last couple of weeks; she continued to read him “Paradise Lost” unflinching in front of his appearance. She along with the other two also began to take short walks with him on the hospital floor.

She felt Harry’s frustration of not being able to do anything alone, when Diane helped him to his feet for first time in weeks, his vision swam and knees buckled, luckily Merlin and Eggsy caught him, but it bothered him.

He hated feeling this way. Everything was a little bit off.

 Merlin had his arm currently hooked in his   as they slowly strolled through the hall. Merlin seemed content, so Harry was happy to be with him.

“We’re hoping to be out of here by next week” Merlin said quietly as they walked “it will be nice to go home, and the children are sick of Kentucky. Would you like that?”

“Y-yes oh god yes I m-miss my house and my clothing and-“

“Your scotch?”

“That too.”

 And  are y-you ready to l-leave Kentucky? Harry asked.

Merlin gave him an even look and Harry chuckled.

 _I’ll be damn if I ever come back to Kentucky as Long as I live_ Merlin thought.

“What did A-Ashcroft say?” Harry asked.

“Hmm? Ashcroft is a wanker but he says you’re progressing well, he’s already approved of the Kingsman doctor back home so just need to get a bit stronger over the next week or so, look at you.”

He plucked at Harry’s hospital gown “you’re wasting away, skin and bones. You know what will make you feel better? a good old fashioned tripe”

Harry looked a little green at that “y-you’re not f-funny Markus”

Merlin knew how much Harry disliked tripe and he snickered at Harry’s disgust.

“I am joking how about a nice crème Brule when we get back?”

“I think I love you” Harry replied.

 Merlin gave him a small peck on the cheek “I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nerds in love, the best kind of love


	8. Don't sink the boat you built to keep afloat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which harry and merlin talk about his dreams  
> and things dont go well

 

Harry’s physical strength was getting better but his mental health was a whole different story.

One of the days following his bandage removal he suffered his first migraine that Ashcroft had promised would occur. It left him bed ridden, curtains drawn, feeling cold and clammy and ever so nauseous.

  Merlin had sat with him, a cold compress to the head, and rubbing his back soothingly when he lost what little food he ate.

Harry spent the majority of the day trying to sleep to no avail, it felt like someone was pounding his head in and his eye felt like it was being filled with shards of glass.

 As he slowly got over  his migraine,  and the week progressed, Merlin became  more worried  as he  continued to sit by Harry’s bedside now that he was  sleeping  a largely undrugged sleep, he noticed how restless  Harry was, he looked  concerned in his sleep, tossing and turning, hands, unclenching and clenching. Occasionally he would scare himself awake but the demons he saw he never spoke of.

“Harry?” Merlin gently touched his shoulder and was surprised when Harry’s eyes snapped opened panicked.

“M-markus?”

“Are you alright? You didn’t look like you were sleeping well.”

 Harry frowned “it’s n-nothing, just a bad night.”

“Or several...”

“Markus p-please it’s fine.”

“What are you dreaming about?”

He shook his head, “I- I am in a church and-“he cut himself off “its n-nothing please M-markus, don’t make a mountain out of an m-mole hill.”

“Harry please, Iam sorry but  you survived being shot in the  face,  everything  for at least a little while is going to be me making a mountain out of a fucking mole hill.” Merlin placed a gentle kiss to the back of his hand.

Despite everything, Merlin missed this, he missed being able to do this-to have the option to do this- to hold Harry and know that when he reached out he would feel him.

The hole in his heart had begun to heal slowly knowing that the in time he would no longer be going home to an empty bed; that someone would wrap their arms around him when missions’ gone wrong plagued him at night and massage his shoulders when he spent too many hours in front of a computer screen.

He had missed the feel of Harry’s breath on his neck in the mornings, and his sleepy smile when he awoke before him, or his grumpy one when Merlin poked him awake. He missed those rare nights when they had time for them and they would curl up on the couch limbs tangled in one another’s or simply enjoying the quiet, nothing quite lulled Merlin to sleep like the sound of Harry’s heart beat.

As Merlin was off thinking of happier, more peaceful days to come he noticed that Harry suddenly looked grim, his mouth drawn into a tight line, his jaw stiff eyes down cast he looked suddenly crestfallen.

But things aren’t easy...  those days were still far away Merlin realized...

“Harry?”

“There’s something wrong with m-me isn’t there?” he said his gaze trained on Merlin “when-n I sleep now... I-I see horrible t-things.”

Merlin swallowed “what do you see?”

 Harry took a shuddering breath closing his eyes trying to remember the details “I see b-blood, blood everywhere especially on m-my hands.”

He  opened his eyes  and looked down at his hands as if he could see it even then, as though they were covered in it.

“There’s so much red e-everywhere and I-I just want-t to d-destroy.” His voice trembled.

“I want to stab and punch and strangle and kill and- and I-I” his voice broke “I liked it... I really did.”

“Harry...”

“M-markus what-what happened?”

Merlin felt that old pain begin to build up in shoulders he had been avoiding bringing up Valentine because he didn’t know what it would do.

“It wasn’t a  dream was it?”

“Harry it wasn’t your fault” he begged he went to take Harry’s hand in his but was surprised when the man forcibly yanked it back.

“What did he do to me?” Harry’s voice   came out as a whisper as his hands trembled wildly, “w-what happened to t-those p-people in the church Markus?”

Merlin couldn’t look at him he stared down at the ground “you weren’t yourself... he was controlling you. He was controlling them all.”

 Harry laughed then, but it had a hysteric edge to it.

“I killed all those people.” He said  as he slowly pieced it together on his own he seemed to forget Merlin was there his voice weary and distant.

“Harry please...”

“And I liked it.” He looked down at himself like if he could claw and rip his limbs off then he would.

“It was out of your control Harry! It was Valentine it was not your-“

 He didn’t get to finish though because Harry chose that precise moment to turn his head and lose his battle with his stomach all over the floor.

“Oh Harry...” Merlin went to help him, to clean some of the mess off him, but Harry moved away from Merlin like  he had been struck.

“p-please” he managed “please d-don’t touch me.” His gaze was still focused on his hands.

“Just call Diana to come M-markus and I’ll see you tomorrow-please.”

Merlin swallowed. That was it.  Harry words  cut like  knives, he didn’t want  him  nor his  help but  Merlin  respected  him and knew when he was fighting a losing battle. He gave a small nod and left even though it felt like the door to Harry was being slammed in his face.

  _What did you expect?_ A voice inside his head said, Harry had always been hard to predict- while Merlin kept to himself for situations good and bad Harry had been  quite the opposite- he loved to share his joy with others, when he was in love, or something had gone well he wanted everyone  to know, be it a mission, or praising Eggsy (which Merlin had  heard a lot of in the last months)    or showing how much Merlin meant to him or even that a  recipe for quiche had turned out fine, Harry wanted everyone to be the centre  of his  universe as well.

  But when  things  went sour, Harry did one of two things, he exploded as he had done  when he saw his appearance  and break down  or  he withdrew  so far into himself it was impossible to get him out.

Merlin, a natural introvert and he played his cards close to the chest- he therefore had a had a hard  reading Harry’s quieter actions preferred Harry would just explode, his emotions out and flying fast and hard  so Merlin would at least know how he felt.

But when Harry retreated, Merlin could get nothing from him and it scared him.

Harry was unreadable a blank slate, his actions and emotions unknown until he did them. It made him a danger to himself and to others.

Merlin returned to the hotel in a daze, and collapsed on the bed staring at the sagging water spotted ceiling.

“Way to fuck that up Markus” he muttered to himself “as subtle as fucking brain surgery with a chain saw.”  He sighed.

One step forward and two back.

Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

He sighed, again unsure of what to do.

  _Give him time; he needs it_ a small voice said in his head.

He could only hope it would be that simple

  _Coward_ another voice whispered in his mind _you should have told him everything but in your attempt to protect him you’ve had done more harm than good._

Merlin sighed.

He rolled over and before he knew had fallen into a restless sleep, his mind still at war with itself.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chapter title is from the flogging molly song float  
> also poor harry and merlin..trouble in paradise

**Author's Note:**

> have a fic prompt? hit me up at life-on-the-geek-side.tumblr.com  
> thanks!


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